A Little Bit About Bacon.

Bacon (from the Old High German meaning "buttock") hasn't just been a staple in the American diet for hundreds of years; it's been stapled to our DNA.  Crick and Watson were wrong: it's not a double helix, it's two interwoven slices of soft-cooked bacon.  Guanine. Adenine. Thymine. Cytosine. Porcine.

The simple word "Bacon" salted into a sentence triggers visceral fireworks of desire from our amygdala.  Not so, the USDA definition: "The cured belly of a swine carcass".

There are those odd, unfortunate creatures who, whether from lunacy or delusion, refuse to consider bacon as a comestible.  It's best not to look them in the eye.  It's kinder.

Children, in particular, seem obsessed with bacon.  It forms one of the five basic pediatric food groups, the others being: chicken tenders, macaroni-and-cheese, hot dogs and pizza.

Bacon can be found infusing or forming nearly every imaginable or unimaginable substance and item known to man.  It will quite likely replace the American flag in the near future.   

We can be quite protective of OUR bacon, which makes sense if it's melted into our DNA - we're merely accessing our primal brain's survival instinct.

Ironically, we are moved to a homicidal rage if someone who HAS bacon is selfish with it.

We invent manifold schemes for spiriting away the bacon of such self-absorbed sociopaths, risking our lives in pursuit of our constitutionally protected happiness..

Once obtained, we will eat and eat until our ears ring and we can feel our hearts throb behind our eyes.  Our urine turns cloudy from the discarded sodium and our skin shrivels from the osmotic changes taking place in our bloodstreams.  And we are happy.

The Founding Fathers promised us the pursuit of happiness.  Bacon IS happiness, therefore the Founding Fathers guaranteed our right to the pursuit of bacon. While the cost of bacon continues to soar, we are confident that this fundamentally protected right will soon be subsidized by our tax dollars.  In fact, paying taxes is much more palatable if we infuse it with bacon - think of taxes as a sort-of bacon piggybank! So, flip the lever on your recliner, boot up Netflix and slide your steaming bowl of bacon onto your belly. Close your eyes. Breathe in.  Let deep call to deep. Be happy!